One Chapter Ends and Another Begins

"...And the paperback princess wakes up to the cool autumn sun shining through her open window, not quite awake she yawns and stretches and sits up to greet a brand new day and a brand new season. She stays in bed for a while not quite wanting to give in to the end of the relaxing summer of love, hot muggy days full of whim and fancy and the last smells of kettle corn and green onion cakes in the air. However like any true princess she recognizes her responsibility to herself and her kingdom. So she climbs out of bed, ready to work hard and welcome the smells, sights and sounds and new experiences that await her in this new season of her life. She brushes her not quite long enough blond hair and picks her best princess dress and tries not to climb back into bed."

So now I'm 25 years old. And I feel 25 years old. And sometimes when I look in the mirror I look 25 years old. Not because I look old, or have wrinkles, but because my hair is done just so, and my outfit I put on to go to physio shows a certain sophistication I definitely did not have a few years ago. A sophistication I didn't think I would ever fully achieve. I like looking good, and I love clothes. But despite all of that, I've always had a artsy flair to my appearance which has been aided by a certain rumpledness, not quite perfection that can be my charm and undoing. As a kid my mom gave up trying to keep me clean and tidy very early on, where as my tom boy cousin, could jump in mud puddles and never have a hair out of place, or any mud or dirt stains. So I've always figured some people have it, and some people don't. But lately when it matters and sometimes when it doesn't, that rumpledness has turned a tad graceful. When I visit with aunts and uncles and my grampa and his sister, they keep commenting on how good I am looking and how I seem to have everything all together, or they think I'm looking so beautiful because for once in my life I seem to be getting things right. (they don't actually say it that way, but I like to read between the lines). So I have to admit I just might be growing up a little, but I still like to splash in mud puddles.

I started physiotherapy a couple of weeks ago. I was referred to this small clinic by another physio I greatly respect so I went and tried it out. It's pretty great so far. I can take a bus that's only a few blocks from my house to a bus stop that's right outside the clinic, and I only need one bus ticket because I can use the transfer to get home. I'm cheap and poor, so things like that are great. The thing I like best about this place besides the physio's there and the fact that they also do acupuncture, is the people that go there. Some are old, some are young, some are middle age, but the one thing everybody has in common, unlike the people who got to physio in a hospital setting, is that they all want to get better and be more active. And that's very important to me, because I want to be more active, and I want to get as much mobility back as I can, and in a positive environment I believe I have a much better chance at succeeding. During my first session I was sweating bullets just to stand up straight in the bars, stretching out my body that is used to sitting in a chair all day. By the next visit I was able to balance for a few seconds, something I haven't been able to do for a while. And two visits after that we timed it, and I got up to 45 seconds. I had to build up to it, and I was shaking like a leaf but I did it! It may not seem like much progress but to me it's like taking leaps and bounds. Next week I'm determined to stay balanced for over 50 seconds and hopefully in two weeks I can hang in there for at least a minute. I think these are good goals to aim for. It's good to have goals. Physio is completely draining me though. My body aches all over and I have to take long naps after each appointment, but I think it's also effecting me mentally. I've been losing things I feel I shouldn't lose, and having panic attacks because of it, and the mess made by tearing my house apart looking for them. Then of course way after the fact I find them. Though I only find them because even though I've calmed down, I still feel the need to keep looking, and I recheck things and keep thinking of places to look even though I had looked everywhere, and then the object appears! But I don't feel relieved or anything, I feel pissed off at myself for freaking out at not finding it. I blame it on the end of summer. I can feel it ending and the air cooling down, and I'm dreading another long dark winter in this city. So the stress builds up and I break down over things I should be able to handle.

Yesterday I missed my bus and got stuck in the rain for over half an hour. I was very close to cancelling my appointment and going home. But then I thought that if I gave in to a little rain, how the hell would I survive in the snow? So I stayed and got rained on and splashed on by the cars zooming by. But I stayed and that's important.

So goodbye summer and hello to a very busy and tiring and hopefully rewarding fall!

End of Summer Meloncholly

This Place

This Place, this sad joyful place

The summers come and gone

Kettle corn smells hang in the wind

And a single rain drop falls on my palm

All are outside looking in, inside looking out

In this place old faded and weathered down tents

Well used, flap uselessly empty muddy

In the chill of the autumn air

Green leaves turned to gold

And children’s laughter muted

Behind cold glass window pane

I do like this place when it’s so full, so free

But gone like the hot muggy August sun

For the long sleep, this place all empty streets

And a single rain drop hits my nose

Soon turning to soft snow and wistful memories

Sun will come back to this lonely place

To fill a year’s worth of crowded catharsis

In only a few short teaming months

While we wait with baited breath till it’s release

Roommates, test chairs, tree roots and 'that time of the month'

Even princesses have bad days, in fact I think they have more of them. And they whine about them more too, that's how they become 'princesses'. Or at least that's how I was crowned. Luckily they are somewhat lovable so they aren't lonely princesses, at least most of the time.

I'm not quite sure how lovable I've been the last few days, especially if you asked my poor roommate, whom I've barely seen yet has still managed to bear the most of my 'royal' temper, funny that. The sad thing is he hasn't real done anything wrong, or at least differently then usual, I have just had no patience for him whets so ever, and have no excuse for it at all except that I have my period, and have felt all that social. So really nothing to do with him at ALL! He hasn't even been around, he's been working extra overtime so I see him for a very short time between when he gets home and when he goes to bed. I'm just acting like a "princess" to put it very politely. And I do feel bad or I wouldn't be writing about it at all.

Some times when I get into funks like these I can pin point reasons, like I'm in so much pain, or I'm so stressed out, or I'm not happy with my life, or I'm lonely and feeling locked up. Well I am in a little bit of pain, but it is a lot less pain then I have had in awhile, except for my lower back which is discover long lost muscles. Who would have thought practicing wheelies in my test chair, would help strengthen core muscles that I'll need to start learning how to stand up again, let alone walk. Crazy. Anyways back to the topic...I'm quite happy with my life, I love my boyfriend very much and though he isn't perfect,( but who is?) he makes me joyful, fills my heart with joy. There are stresses in my life but they seem easier to cope with, or that I finally have ways of coping with them, so I don't feel so lost, I feel like I can sort them out and move on.
I guess everything just sort of fell into a peaceful lull, of which I am DEFINITELY not accustom too and I decided to become a spoiled brat for a few days. Would it help if I explained that my 25th Birthday is coming up next week? I am so excited for it, like I am about all birthdays, but I might be pushing my 'it's my birthday and I can cry if I want too' limits a little to far. At least where my roommates concerned anyways...

But I do have my test chariot..er wheelchair, and for the most part it's great! I was at a park on the weekend and was rolling all over the grass and over tree roots and even starting to learn how to balance wheelies...Not so good at that yet. But I have the baby walkers on still for a very good reason. I think I would have flipped over a dozen times by now. I have a tendency to overextend so I end up doing wheelies at the silliest times, like going up hills, and over stuff. And I have very little control over my wheelies so you can see where this is going. But the reason I brought up the baby walkers was to tell you when they aren't such a good thing. They aren't a good thing when you are happily riding over tree roots going "weeeeeeee" and then they get stuck on a set that's just perfectly their height. So your sitting there creating skid marks in the dirt feeling dumb because two seconds ago you were showing off and now you are quite and hopelessly stuck and need a friend to bale you out. Thank goodness for friends...Who only laugh at you in the most lovingly of ways. I also took the chair out for a spin by myself today. I took my usual route downtown and was having a great little ride, and I was amazed because it took very little effort to move around, unlike my other beast which had my arms aching after half a block. In fact the hardest thing was getting back into my apartment, different chair... Different dynamics. And the best part was that I found some paperback novels I had been looking for at the used book store!

see I really am the paperback princess...And a dork, who turns 25 in ONE WEEK!!!! Remember that it's important! At least I think so...

oh and thanks to everyone who has said nice comments about this site, I hope you keep liking what you read.

The Art of Child Carrying

The most wonderful gift in the world is that of a child. Which is very hard to believe if all you have to go on is all the brats you see outside or doing silly things in your building. And also hard to believe if you ever remember being one. I know I was a brat. I had two older brothers who taught me well.

This new insight came to me after spending a weekend with my niece. I've always loved my niece but living so far away from her hasn't given me very much time to get to know her at all. So this past holiday weekend my mom brought her up, and the 3 of us girls had a weekend of play and fun. And I can go on and on and on and on telling story after adorable story about my nieces antics. I never claimed that she wasn't a brat, but she does have a heart of gold to go with it. And with out even trying she helped me on my quest to find better ways to do things, my quest that will help release the bonds that bind me. And this new lesson I learned was the art of Child carrying.

My niece is only seven, cute as a button and only 26 pounds. After the first day of swimming and walking to go get dinner and back she was complaining that her leg hurt. I took the cue from my mom that she would be ok. (I really know nothing about raising kids, but I am eager to learn). So for fun I dug out my old cane that I hobbled around university with, set it too it's lowest setting and gave it to her to play with. I swear every time she was home she used it too!
The next day she was still complaining of a sore leg, so she asked me if she could ride on me. I have done so around the house just to play with her, but to actually have her on my lap while we were out and about well this was entirely new for me, so I was willing to try it. So once we left my apartment, I told her to climb up and she settled on my lap, and I put my purse in front of her making a nice convenient seat belt. And it was a lot of fun wheeling her around. I still wish I had my new chair, because it would have been easier, on me, her and the chair. Oh and my back...ow. So while I got a lot of exercise wheeling around with an extra 26 pounds balanced on my lap, and my mom had to walk to keep up with us, my niece got a free ride! And she loved it. Every time we were going somewhere she asked if she could ride on me, and I'm a sucker for being called 'Auntie". Now this new art of child carrying is quite useful. It shows that you can still help a child, play with a child, and at farmers markets its a good method of keeping them from running away. Mothers on the other hand, are quite a different story...did there have to be so many jewelry stands?

Even when I could walk, I've always had trouble looking after and carrying babies around, let alone toddlers, or kids. My balance was way more precarious then theirs was. That has always been a sore spot for me, and probably a reason I have never really allowed myself to get to close to children. But now a whole world of possibilities has opened up for me. As long as the child is strapped in, in some way, probably tighter for babies, but loose like a purse strap for seven year olds, their are many ways to look after and play with kids while being in a wheel chair. And you still have pretty much free range of motion to wheel and make corners. It's a pretty amazing experience. Though because not only are you carry extra weight, you are also balancing, so your lower back muscles take quite a lot of strain. Having good back support would be crucial if you were planning on doing this for more then a few days, and even after a few days, all I can say is "ow ow ow".
The best thing about my niece is that when she came up here she knew nothing about disabilities or wheelchair's or anything. But instead of being annoying and asking dumb questions, like "why can't you walk" in a high and mighty voice, she actually tried to understand the whole process, and asked interested as well as interesting questions. For example she wanted to know How I turned in the chair. So I actually had to take the time to consciously think about how I did that. And later when she was playing in my chair she tried it for herself. She also wanted to know why I didn't like the chair I was in and wanted to know the differences. So when we met up with a friend of mine for coffee who gets around in a more efficient and better looking chair, she made the point of asking if my new chair would be like that one and we proceeded to talk about why that style of chair would work better then this one.

and that brings me back to my first point, a child is a wonderful gift. They see the world through fresh eyes, and bring joy and perspective to a world that was slowly slipping into darkness.

A shiny new chariot!

Yesterday I went wheelchair shopping for the second time in my life. The first time felt like something a kin to a nightmare, but unfortunately real. I was overwhelmed and being told what I needed, without even knowing anything about chairs, and nobody was answering my questions in anyway that made sense at all. And the result is this big beast of a chair that I'm sitting in now. Which wasn't what I ordered exactly but after 5 months of dealing with one mess up after another, I just took what I was given.

But one good thing has come out of my decreased mobility. My status as a wheelchair user has changed which puts me in a category where I can get a much much more efficient chair, one that suits my new and growing independent and active life style. In addition to that I have people working with me who actually understand my needs and were there to help explain the things I will need and the difference between a whole bunch of options, so I could test out and make informed decisions about the new chair I wanted. I am by no means an expert on chairs, and probably won't be able to give anyone advice for some time on the best chair for them, but at least with this new chair, I will actually be able to learn HOW to use a chair. Learn how to hop curbs, go down hills, off road it. Take stairs (if I absolutely have to), how to carry things. You know wheelchair basics, the stuff I wasn't taught when I got this chair. The lady that put me in this chair designed it so I could get fat and lazy and have other people push me around. I have been pushing myself around outside in this chair since February, even in snow, and that's a feat in itself, because not only is this chair not designed for that type of use, it also uses up way more energy, and strains muscles that don't have to be strained.

So trying out these new shiny chairs yesterday was amazing, especially when the wheelchair technician adjusted the dump of the seat. It felt like heaven. Or at least heavenly. With this new chair, not only will it be way easier for me to be more independent and active, and it will have added features, like crutch holders, and a bag carrier on the front, that will aid in that, I will also look more presentable to the public, I will look disabled, yes, but some one who has mastered that disability and who is capable. Employers will look more favorably on someone in a nice active chair, then, a big dumpy grandma chair. The reason, the active chair shows some one able to work, to be efficient, who has it together and doesn't mind hard work. A grandma chair shows someone who is lost and dependent on others, some one who doesn't quite have it all together.
So after three hours at Eco Medical, we put together a chair that I think will be amazing to use. I added on a bunch of extras that healthcare won't pay for, but the physio helping me, is also helping me apply for funding so I can have those nice extra features. The extra mountain bike tires would be really great to have, because then I won't feel as nervous about going camping or doing a ton of outdoor things that were a crucial part of my childhood that I have sorely missed these last few years being locked up in my tower with my old grandma chair.

So at last I'm getting a chariot suited for a princess! I can't wait!