Every Time I Turn Around

Well it's official, I'm an adult! At least I must be because everywhere I turn I find another person just got engaged. By the end of next summer I'll be one of the few single people left in my group of friends. Not that I'm not excited for everyone, because I really really am. I want my friends to be happy. I think the big deal is that everyone is moving on and drifting away. As it is we are already spread out in western Canada and rarely see each other, and as much of an incurable romantic as I am, I guess I just got used to the everydayness of life, which included dating and getting jobs and finishing school. And while I got used to that way of life as I went on my own rollarcoaster ride with my health, time sort of slipped past really fast. Now I'm sitting here realizing that all my friends are 24- 29 years of age, and that is actually a good responsible age to get married and take the next step in life. The adult step of life I guess. Even looking at my own life I see signs of adulthood all around me. I have a nice apartment, I'm growing herbs on my balcony, I'm planning a career, and a life with my boyfriend. I throw dinner parties, and rarely think of going to the bar. I still enjoying having a good time and I love good wine. But I don't miss the emotional rollarcoaster of University life anymore. It was fun, and I will always have my memories, but some of the stunts that we pulled seem so far away and so immature. 18 year olds have become a joke to laugh at. And all of this happened with out me even noticing it. I know I will always be a kid at heart, life wouldn't be the same if I wasn't, and definitely not as much fun.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day, and she, of course, is engaged. I asked her why I seemed to be the only one freaking out that life is changing so fast. Her answer was that everyone is a bit freaked out about growing up, but because we are so spread out, we had to deal with the panic on their own, and by the time they had a chance to talk to other people, it stopped being such a big deal. Which I guess makes sense, a lot of people internalize panic, and deal with it on their own. I, on the other hand, externalize my emotions and anyone can read me like an open book.

It also may have something to do with control to a point. There is a lot of my life I have no control over. My disability for one thing has been controlling my life for at least 4 years now, and I have had to learn to organize myself around the ups and downs it takes me on. So in my mind I have set up static buffers, things I can count on, solid good rocks that will always be there. My close friends have been those rocks. Things I can hold on to, so I don't get swept away with all the crap life throws at you. But now those rocks are changing. They are getting their own rocks, and getting caught up in their own lives. The sensible part of me knows that they will still be there, but they will be changed. Everything will be just a bit different, and I need sometime to get used to the change.

The silliest thing is, is that I want to get married someday. I want a life and maybe a small family. I want to move on and explore new places and new adventures. I want to see where life will take me. I am excited for that! So why am I panicked that everyone else is doing the same thing? I guess I just need time. Time to get used to being grown up...yikes!