A Cactus In Bloom

I feel removed from life. Well except when my body bites back and reminds me that yeah I'm still here fairly painfully. But I see things going on around me and they don't make any sense. I feel that they should make sense and that at one point I would have easily understood them. It's like moving on to a different path in the road but still being able to see the one beside you that you have moved on from. Part of you wants you to show the people on it how silly they look sometimes, but you know some one could say the same of you.

Less then two weeks and they operate on my spine for the third time in three years. I've been reassured that it's not life threatening and the risks are worth the potential benefits. They are also fairly low compared to the other two surgeries I've had because of where on the spine it is taking place. Though that is when you consider losing the use of my legs permanently as a minor risk. Though I suppose it is not as important as breathing and I really don't want a hole in my neck, but having some small chance to use my legs again is fairly important to me. When I first found out the surgery date last week I was all excited and hyped thinking alright that gives me less then three weeks of summer, plenty of time to do everything I can think of to do. What I was counting on, or what I was ignoring was the fact that my body is breaking down. My legs are filled with fluid and my muscles and screaming at me. My bowels decided to get in the action two days ago, and I can barely hold in food that way, and today my up chuck reflex decided it want some action too. And on top of it I feel sort of foggy and in a dreamlike state.

Yet despight of all of this I found out that one of my guy friends that I hang out with occasionally and usually spend the time trading underhanded insults, decided to do a 180 and tells me he finds me 'hot' in his own very special way. And I'm wondering "where the hell did that came from?" while I try not to get sick in my pants. Not a pretty picture I know but that's what happend. My roommate tells me that I am looking pretty good lately and if he didn't know any better he wouldn't believe that I was way sicker then I was a few months ago. So really a little weight loss and a healthy tan does hide flaws or something. ThoughI guess if I had to evaluate myself, I do like the way I'm looking for the most part and I do feel very sexy when I'm with my boyfriend, but that also has a lot to do with the pleasure of new love.

The part that really confuses me is the petty things. My boyfriend and my roommate are pretty much giving me a free pass to bitch because they know I'm not doing so hot and feel the stress of my surgery date approaching, but even though I have taken advantage of it marginally, I do feel bad and I try to hide out so I'm not in their face about it, or do stuff in spite of the pain. Then I talked to some other friends of mine or my family and they are freaking out about the silliest things in comparison to how I feel and I try to see things from their point of view and try not to compare my current situation with their petty one, but sometimes I just feel sorry for myself.